The Game of Life

Life is a game; there are those that are good at this game, and there are those who are terrible at it. What determines who is good at the game of life and who is not good at it? Survival and what you make of it makes this game of life worth playing. Some people merely exist, mere shadows of whom they are and who they want to become. Then there are those that more than survive, making the most out of life’s rules and having fun while at it. These people turn the horns of life around not to nail them in the butt, but to nail life in the butt. They don’t merely exist, their life is flavored by a sense of fun and excitement and they walk with purpose. I am both of these people at times; there are days where life is exciting and there are days where it is bland. After all, people can’t play all the time, as this is life. Play will eventually exhaust you, so there must be times that you rest. I guess life is what you make of it, and that will be what determines your mastery of it. Nothing in this world matters much except other people and God. Nothing will give you more of a sense of accomplishment than seeing how you can help other people and serving God; not money, a large house, and many material possessions. The happiest people aren’t those with everything, aren’t those who don’t have to worry about financial problems because they have all the money in the world. The happiest people are those who have nothing yet are able to give all. These are the experts of the game of life, for they know life’s hidden treasures and know the true value of relationships. They are rich despite being poor. They are the kind that are always surrounded by people and can be seen with a smile on their face. They don’t worry about what toy they need next because they have never gotten to taste that addictive luxury. To them, the holidays aren’t about how many presents they got, but about the time they spend with family and other people. They are selfless in nature, making sure the needs of others are met before their own needs are met. These are the people to be admired, for they have the treasures that are the most valuable treasures you will find: a sense of genuine love for people and for God, which is a quality that is dying off in mankind and being replaced with a kind of greed. These people are the people who can smile even though their valuables have been stolen. I admire and want to become more like one of these people, as these are the true diamonds in society that no one should dispose of in favor of a lump of coal.

The Way I View Difficulties

I think people will try to talk me out of medicine because of my mental illness. Allow me to present my rebuttal to such an argument. I am like many other people; I have dreams, desires, relationships and responsibilities. The only difference that I have from other people is how my mind functions. Some people’s minds are focused on math and science, crunching numbers from the moment they get up to the moment they go to sleep. Other people’s minds are focused on the arts, allowing music to gauge their emotions and what they are experiencing at a particular moment. I am a healthy mix of the two. Some days I allow myself to trail off on a harmonic symphony; other days, I enjoy learning about science. Just because my mind operates on these two different levels doesn’t negate the impact I could have on someone’s life, nor does it negate my devotion to a career field.

It is said that many medical students are depressed in medical school, especially female medical students. While I have seen the role that conflicts tends to play on the attitudes of medical students (I have a medical student friend who has recently found it difficult to want to stick with medicine and has found herself questioning why she had even gotten into the profession), I believe I possess an advantage over my peers. 56% (or possibly even more) of all medical students in one study were discovered to have clinical symptoms of depression. Most of these people may not be getting actual treatment for it. That is where I possess the greatest advantage. I am aware of my problems and am getting treatment for it. While I do struggle with symptoms every once in a while, I at least have some control over them. I am not allowing it to dictate my life, as these students may be allowing them to do. Second of all, the treatment for my depression can also help me get advice on how to reduce stress during school, how to manage time well, how to balance my personal and professional life, how to deal with family and conflict and so on and so forth. In this respect, therapy for me is mostly beneficial.

The question of the century on this topic is how will my mental disorders affect my professional ability to administer medicine in a compassionate, patient-centered way? Being mentally ill has no negative deviation towards any unhealthy tendency when properly treated. Just because I am getting treatment wouldn’t make me any less of a great physician or nurse. In fact, the opposite is true: getting treatment will improve my ability to be able to give the kind of prestigious, world-class care that is often demanded of the profession. Treatment has liberated me to think clearly, communicate effectively, and overcome obstacles that would otherwise still loom before me. Not getting treatment would have been detrimental to both me and those that I would care for, as I would still be interrupting due to racing thoughts, and I wouldn’t be able to learn as much as I have, which would end up detrimentally affecting my patients when I would make medical errors.

Another question that should be assessed is: how do you think you will cope with the stresses of medical school and the medical profession? The answer: I think I would cope better than most people with these stresses now that I have the tools to be able to cope and handle these stresses when they are thrown at me. I have a lot of resources at my disposal, and I am not afraid to utilize them when I need. Most people figure that they can handle things on their own and will struggle with them for a prolonged period of time before realizing that they need help. In acknowledging my shortcomings, I also acknowledge that it will be the help of others that will help me get through the difficult times in my life. I spend less time floundering about on my own and more time seeking help from others. This helps me to realize not only the potential in myself, but the potential in others. Medical school, I believe, should be focused on building a community of people that will work together for the care of their patients, not as a means of competition against peers. I have utilized community resources wherever I went and have discovered that there is more power in five minutes of asking for someone’s help than there is in five hours of frustratingly trying and failing to figure things out on your own.

Overall, I believe strongly that mental illness is no reason to discount someone from attending medical school. If someone is passionate enough for the field, there will be nothing that will stop them from succeeding at whatever they put their mind to. In the end, mental illness may prove beneficial in helping patients overcome their own shortcomings in life and to potentially seek out the advice of other health care professionals and professional counselors should they need it. Talking about an illness and genuinely experiencing one are two completely different things. I believe that by experiencing a disease, the health care worker, be it physician, nurse or even CNA, they gain an appreciation and genuine understanding of what their patients are going through at a particular moment. Not only that, but often the difficulties of our life form us into better people and therefore better healthcare workers. I often see these times of difficulty as the proverbial heat and pressure that forms the coal into a diamond. This view has allowed me to conquer many difficult times in my life and to rise above them. My life is not dictated by a series of defeats, but rather an alternating series of victories and defeats that have refined me into who I am. I am not always at war, but I’m also not always at peace. I have learned to take these moments in stride, and to learn to live life in the moment, never worrying needlessly about the future and not allowing myself to be haunted by my past. I think that this is what is often required in medicine, and I strongly believe that I will do well in this field despite my shortcomings. It is all in the way that I look at my difficulties and life.

Dreamer

Dreams, what are these worth to people? To some, dreams are interference, a wall that ends up splitting people from the world of reality. To others, dreams are reality, the means that they can use to do great things for many people. I am no exception. My ultimate dream is to become a doctor, to transcend the barriers of poverty that have so easily constrained me for many years. I know that I can do it, but how is another question. I will need help, but where will that help come from. I don’t know now, but I know that I will meet many people along the way and that I will touch the lives of these people in very special ways. I have already touched the lives of others. People look to me for inspiration, a sort of example of what perseverance entails.

My life hasn’t been the perfect life. I am the image of a broken person, a person that has been made new through experience and relationship. Through my times of brokenness I have learned to value things more than some of my counterparts. For the most part, family is very important, a sort of cheerleader troupe to encourage you through life. Each of us is given a different family, and whether we are born into a family who cares or not is pure luck. For those that are born into a loving family, I have discovered that a lot of people take this for granted. They tend to resent the kind of care that their family has for them. For those not born into a loving family, I have discovered that they resent not being loved. What does this mean? This only demonstrates that the world is not perfect, and that we, as people, are not content. The best that we can get is a temporary sense of elation, but true happiness is often elusive. Where is this true happiness? I think that true happiness is not found in things or even people, but in simple living and loving God and others. In realizing this, I hope that I can provide better care for my patients.

I admit, I am a dreamer; I hope to teach others in medicine and hope to be taught myself. However, my heart is for the poor and the hurting, which is what drives me to become the best physician I can be. My vision is to help the poor, as I have been helped by others in the past. I want others to receive the kind of compassionate care that I have received in the past, despite not being able to afford the care. Who are we to decide who gets medical care and who doesn’t? It is not up to us as physicians to turn people away who need it. That is why I want to work with the poor. On top of it, I have discovered that some of the best stories come from those who are poor, and I want to hear those stories and learn from those who have learned a lot. I refuse to turn these people away like they have been turned away in the past.

Like I mentioned before, I need help to realize this dream. In order to fulfill my dream, I need help, from studying for the MCATs to financial help for medical school. I ask that you pray about what you feel is in your heart to give. I will take just about anything, as that will help me to turn my dreams into reality and to turn my dreams into something that will benefit the world. Like my persuasion teacher said, “God transforms nations through transformed people.” Please help me transform nations through my transformed self.

Victory is Yours, It's in the Way You View Life

Happy November to you all! Can you believe that it's November already? It seems like yesterday was summer. Time goes by quick, almost too quick for my liking. Before I know it, I will be applying for nursing and then medical school.

I am relegated this fine Tuesday morning to wait for the 7:30 bus, so I have some time to burn before I have to leave for CCU for my counseling appointment. I thought I would update everyone on how I've been doing these last few weeks. The change from the medications I'm on is starting to become noticeable. Here are the things I have noticed most:

1) No more thoughts of suicide: This is really important and great, since antidepressants can increase these in children, teens, and young adults especially during the first few months of therapy. The question that my doctors have been asking the most has been if I have had any suicidal thoughts, and frankly it kind of makes me annoyed. I went on antidepressants to keep from feeling this way, why on earth would I be thinking about these things? Then again, I realize that they have to ask these questions to make sure that the medications are working, which is the only reason why I don't say anything about these questions or act particularly perturbed when it has been asked for the seven millionth time it seems.

2) More confident, natural flow of conversation and interaction with others: This was a big problem for me. My schizophrenia made it difficult to trust others and because of that,  I wouldn't talk to others readily. I feared their rejection. Now I feel like I can talk to other people and that they genuinely care about me. I have no more doubts about whether or not they will shun me. I know that they love and care about me and won't do anything to purposely harm me. If they do turn me away, I feel confident that I can voice my concerns and be heard without feeling like people are totally and irrevocably angry at me for all eternity. I also want to mention that my primary care doctor commented that my conversations were more natural and not so strained, like they were in the past. She hardly knows me and even she noticed this, which means that this is more noticeable than I once thought.

3) My thoughts are organized: I can actually stay on one topic and complete a thought without jumping all over the place. This makes writing papers a whole lot easier and I am getting higher marks because I'm not going on tangents, which makes me a lot more confident in my own writing abilities. As you can even tell in this post, I am able to focus for long periods of time on one topic, which makes me incredibly happy.

4) I can remember things easier: I thought my memory was good before I went on the medications, but now it is better than ever. During my morning workouts, I would often space out on what number rep I was on because I had so many thoughts swirling around in my head. I now don't have this problem. I also can remember facts, statistics, and what I read a lot easier than I was in the past.

5) I no longer have the delusions of being a horse: For once in my life I feel human and know that there is no possible way that I could be a horse. Granted, I still love the wind blowing through my hair, I believe that my hands are hands and not hooves. There will still be that love for horses, but there will no longer be that prancing around, neighing like one.

6) I can concentrate on my schoolwork for long periods of time: This was becoming a problem and was one of the main reasons that I sought out professional help like I did. I felt like my grades were starting to slip because I couldn't concentrate long enough to get anything done. I wanted to either pretend to be an opera singer at Carnegie Hall or I wanted to prance around like a horse, both of which were not conducive to what I wanted to accomplish in life.

These are all the good things I have noticed, but there are a few bad things I have noticed as well:

1) I can't drink alcohol: This is a huge bummer for me, depending that my 21st birthday is coming up in a few months. I was looking forward to getting a drink on that special day, but I won't be able to do that now. In place of getting a drink I have planned a night of bowling with friends, so this should turn out to be an excellent night, even though I won't get to drink.

2)I can't take NSAIDs (Aspirin, Ibuprofen) with the Prozac: This is a huge downfall for me, because I had nothing but NSAIDs to get rid of my headaches. What will happen if I take an NSAID with Prozac? Nothing immediately noticeable, but depending on the NSAID, it could render the Prozac ineffective or could increase my risk for bleeding. Prozac thins the blood, and so do NSAIDs, so the two combined could be fatal. The only thing I can take for my headaches is Acetaminophen (Tylenol), and even with that I have to be careful to not go over 3,000 mg (3 grams or 6 pills per day) or I could damage my liver. Lucky for me, most of my headaches respond to two Tylenol. I have only had one that didn't respond to two Tylenol, but what I did was take two more, and it went away until later that day when I needed to eat. Then it responded to food and caffeine and two Tylenol. I guess it's a small price to pay to feel in touch with reality.

3) If I don't get enough sleep, I end up tired/with a migraine: I, before going on these medications, would get a migraine after several nights of cutting on my sleep. Now it only takes one and I will have a migraine. This sucks because my rhythm is one where I go to bed at 8 PM and wake up at 5 AM, and if I skimp on that, I am either running on empty or feeling like my head will split apart.

4) I clean the house and count my pills constantly: I don't know if this is necessarily a bad thing, as we desperately need to keep the apartment clean most days, but I have put it in the bad category because I normally would hate to clean. I also count my pills every time I take them to see if I am still on track with them and to make sure that I haven't taken more than I needed. So far so good! However, this tells me that I have some obsessive-compulsive tendencies, but I don't necessarily think that they are all bad.

5) My emotions are dulled down a lot: This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but my emotions have been really dulled. I can still feel emotions, but they don't drive me as much as they did before. I loved being able to feel emotions deeply, but some days it feels like I am dead in emotions (these are also the days that I end up tired/with a migraine because I haven't gotten enough sleep and I haven't had my cup of joe). I guess there is a price to be paid though, and the dulling down of my emotions will help me focus more on what I need to do rather than on what I am feeling. In the past, my emotions were crippling, and now they are dulled down to the point where they are no longer this way. See, there's always good in something that's intended for evil!

So far, I am satisfied with what I have been experiencing on these medications. While I may experience headaches every so often, it's never something that a few Tylenol can't take away. I am on the mend and can feel it in my heart and mind.

I wanted to end on this note. No matter what your family may communicate to you, they do care. My father, after learning that I had consulted a psychiatrist, is starting to spend more time with me. The lack of time spent with my family was the one thing that drove me into depression, so this is a very good thing for both me and my dad. Granted, I haven't told him my diagnosis yet (I plan to do so this Friday, because I wanted to tell him when I was a little more stable on my medication), I know that I have the confidence to tell him and the courage to accept what may come (it will be good). Your family loves you and doesn't want to see you go down the wrong road. If you don't have a family, you do have a makeshift "family," a group of people that genuinely care for you and want to see you succeed. Me, I have both, and I genuinely believe that there are few people that want to see my destruction. I hope you feel the way I do and if you don't, I pray that you will feel the way I do in the end. Victory is yours, it's all in the way that you view life.