So here's the narrative of all that went on yesterday. I sat down in a small room with about 8 medical students and one professor, and I spent an hour and a half talking about the experiences that I had with my mother. In the past, even the mention of my mother threw me into a rage, but I am now working on keeping that rage caged. Rather than view my life as something that my mom has messed up, I view my life as something that my mother, through her often careless and downright heartless actions, has improved. How can I view my life this way when my mom has clearly done so much to try to destroy it? Simple, I view the things that have intended to bring me down to my knees as something that has improved me. What was intended to tear me down I have utilized to build me up. I guess that is what I partially got across to these students. I have been handed great adversity and I have used it to improve my life. Adversity, in my opinion, can either tear us down or fortify our walls; it's all in how we view it.
Using a combination of witty humor and cookies (yes, I did cook cookies for this occasion, proof that I do things other than studying on occasion), I hope my story is one that they will remember for a while. I know that the experience that I had yesterday will be one that I will not forget for months at the very least. At the end of the session, the floor was opened up to questions, and one male student, who I thought was very compassionate and understanding, had clarified a few things for me. I don't know what his intent was, but I think by asking the questions that he did helped to clarify the immense power I had to overcome the obstacles that I was handed, and how I will overcome any other obstacle that I may have in the future. I forget if it was the same student or another one that brought up an excellent point. I had communicated earlier that I was afraid of my mother finding me and harrassing me, whether it would be at home, at work, or elsewhere. He asked me this question:
"Do you think that perhaps you are not afraid of your mother, but more of the uncertainty that she brings?"
I had never thought of this before, but he hit the nail on the head. Thinking about it logically, I am more scared of the uncertainty that she brings. I have finally found stability in school and volunteering, and I know that if she finds me, she will throw a wrench in my day. My perfect days of studying, singing, and watching those that I admire would then be tainted by court battles, verbal and physical arguments, constant fear of being followed by my mother, and my mother's unpredictable actions in response to my words and actions. These were all things that characterized my teenage years and are all things that I have sworn to myself that I would not allow in my life or the lives that I care about. If I were to have my mother in my life, I would view this as a broken promise to myself; something that I learned to resent in my childhood. I believe that if promises are made, whether to yourself or to someone else, those promises should be kept. My mother would force me to break that promise; something that I fear and resent at the same time. That is partially why I end up resentful when I hear my mother mentioned.
Another thing that another student had brought up was that I felt that I feel that I have the responsibility to protect my family from future harm from my mother. This, again, was hit right on the head. Whenever I hear that my mother has caused emotional or physical harm to someone that I love, I immediately go into protectionist mode and I want to do all that I can to prevent it from happening again. One of the students then said this:
"Isn't that a heavy burden to carry?"
While it is a heavy burden to carry, it is one that I must carry (just look at all the books I carry, do you think I am used to carrying a heavy load?). I am the one that is closest to my mom and am the one that she has formed as close as she will have to an intimate relationship with. That means that if something will change in her life, it will probably be through me. If she is to get help, it will most likely be as a result of the boundaries that I set with her. While I am aware that I carry this burden, I know I do not carry it alone. I have many people that I converse with that have gone through the same thing that I have that come alongside me and help me get through this. After all, I do learn best when someone is there to challenge me in multiple ways.
I am not the normal person. I am what Reba McIntyre would term a survivor. My job currently is to overcome the hurdles that are thrown in my way and to grow into a very strong person that will one day be able to help others carry their burdens when they can't carry them on their own. I already have many others confiding in me, looking to me to help them find their way when they are lost in the twisted maze of confusion and raging emotions. I am a helper, I will be there when others are not. I am a friend, a teacher, a healer. I realize the potential I have, but I do not desire to keep it for myself. I want to share the power that I have felt overcoming my fears and obstacles with others, especially with those that could share the same role as I share. That is why I spoke with these students as I did. After all, the most memorable people are those that turn shards of glass that are thrown at them into glitter. I certainly have done so.
In thinking about how this day had went, I totally spaced that I had a class ending. I ended up getting an e-mail from my instructor wanting to know why I hadn't turned in my final assignments. I had assumed that it was due on Sunday, and I wrote this back to her. Before she could respond, I looked up the due date and realized that it was past due (insert face palm here). The professor had grace and allowed me to turn it in today without penalty, but having not started on it wasn't in my favor (I think I had the professor's respect when I had gotten a C on a paper and decided to rewrite it). I had to volunteer the next day, so I started to freak. I contemplated taking the day off of my volunteer assignment to work on it, but decided to volunteer anyways. I'm glad that I did, as I showed the people that I volunteer with and for that I realized my mistakes (I was beginning to slack off, or more like I was starting to experience burn-out) and could learn from them. I worked hard then decided that I would go and work on my paper and presentation. I worked for six long hours on it, and when I finally got it done, I felt a great deal of accomplishment. I even wrote a note to myself, which said:
"Good job, I'm so proud of you. You got this done before it really got dark outside. That is absolutely great. I know that you will do well in Nursing school and you will get in and succeed in medical school as well. You have the drive to do well and you will not give up on something until it is done. And I'm glad that you chose to eat well today. Overall, it was a job well done and worth the effort. It was fun doing this project and I know that you will go far in whatever you do.
Love bunches,
Yourself (LiL A)"
Sometimes we need to write ourselves letters like this. We don't believe we need to encourage ourselves and we can wear ourselves thin and stop believing in ourselves. When this happens, we experience burn-out. We need to believe in ourselves more than we do sometimes. We have done and can do great things, I think we need to remind ourselves constantly how far we have come and how far we are going to go.
What I learned from the paper being late: I don't believe in my own capabilities and you have to look at the due date before assuming anything. In the end, I really wasn't hurt by my mistake, but it will cost me in the future. By looking at the due date, I will ensure that this will not end up being a repeat in the future, thereby ensuring success on my part. As for believing in myself, that will be a process that could take many years to learn. At least I am starting on that long road now rather than never travelling it. I hope and look forward to meeting those that will walk with me on this road, as I don't travel it alone.
